The Emperor's New Clothes : Divorce Process & Consequence

PART 2 : CONSEQUENCES FOR THE INDIVIDUAL

Chapter 5 : Primary Consequences - Loss of Children

Chapter 6 : Primary Consequences - Loss of Home and Finance

Chapter 7 : Secondary Consequences - Damage to Health, Career, and Quality of Life

Chapter 8 : Secondary Consequences - Subsequent Attitudes to Women, the Law, and Society


 Chapter 5 : Primary Consequences - Loss of Children

Any parent knows that to be separated from one’s own children for some time is difficult. What is often not understood by the public is that judges are prepared to, and in fact readily and usually separate fathers from their children to a lesser or greater extent, if not totally.

Children are subject to the Children Act 1989 until they are considered to be adults, usually at 18 years. However, a parent may be financially responsible until they leave full-time education at perhaps 21 years. Hence a father may be separated from his children to a greater or lesser extent until they are adults, when they can determine for themselves when they see their father. Cases of Parental Alienation Syndrome, that is the deliberate obstruction of parent seeing a child, including the ‘poisoning’ of a child’s mind, are common. A book [11] of the same name gives background to the causes and effects of this. For the present purposes, the actions of judges and magistrates are of concern, as it is they, on the mother’s whim, who decide how much time, if any, a father will spend with his children.

Typical patterns for a father to care for his children include every other weekend. Mothers are allowed to take the children hundreds of miles away, in which case it is only in the school holidays that a father will see his children. Overseas abductions also occur, but the law regarding this is outside the scope of the present text. In fact mothers usually consider ‘abduction’ from the father as a matter of first resort. Fathers, in contrast, only consider abduction as a matter of last resort.

Fathers who have limited or no time with their children are still held financially responsible. Judges make court orders to this effect, even when the marriage breakdown is entirely the mother’s doing, and when she has been divorced on legitimate grounds.

Categories of case studies in the survey

The case study references covering loss of children are [c1] (loss of children/damage to relationship).

Parental Alienation Syndrome in cases is common, such as [c1.2] :

"Access to the kids was OK for about two years. Then reduced to "Saturdays only" which involved a 400-mile drive.

Dragged the case through Courts with many reports submitted. Ex-wife had penal notices served on her but still no action taken when these were flouted. Courts were in MT and A. This local Welsh community did not like English people in it (me and family) and could not/would not take me seriously. My local MP, Tim Boswell (Tory), not at all interested either.

My case was used by FNF to demonstrate Parent Alienation Syndrome. I am happy "to be used" as an example of how men lose, through no fault of their own, access to their kids.

My parents aged 68 and 70 and grandmother, 92 years old, have not seen kids for about seven years. Another tragic part of this subject."

As well as in [c1.3] :

"However, once I remarried in 1989, my ex-wife made it clear she would make the contact I had with L as difficult as possible, after a Contact Order and three Court cases. I have had to give my daughter up to stop her from being used against me."

Distance brings its own problems as in [c1.1] :

"… her flight to France with children. Her "custody" confirmed … I have about as much contact as physical distance allows, but at cost of c50% of my net salary."

Many fathers are perhaps too ‘decent’ for their own best interests [c1.4] :

"June 1993 (Judges Kirkwood and Hamilton) stopped contact pending reports. …

I write letters to boy which I believe are received. I have always paid financial dues."

The incomprehension of many fathers is easy to recognise in the case studies e.g. [p6.3.5] :

"I can never see my daughters again yet I lived with them for 11 years with no trouble at all."

The courts rarely listen to children under the age of about 11 or 12 years e.g. [p5.2] :

"My leading counsel (AC) told me to agree to a generous contact schedule as the Judge would not give residency to a father. Sadly, all this did not consider my son who cries at the end of every contact and now pleads to live with me. I am advised the Court will not "listen" to him until he is much older. I find this hard to live with."

Solicitors and barristers readily encourage denial of any contact e.g. [min4] :

"I spoke to my wife’s Solicitor who informed me that my children (aged 7 and 9) were not prepared to see me. I informed her that I thought that this stank! She also said that the children had thought more on the lines of seeing me once a month – remarkably grown up for their ages I would say!

As you can probably imagine, I am at my lowest ebb at present that I have been in the whole of my life. I feel that because of all this my children are actually being put "at risk" by the feminist organisation with whom they are presently resident."

Statistics from the survey

  • 89.1% of women had residence of their children

  • only 6.5% of men had residence of their children

  • only 4.4% of men had shared residence

  • 31.2% of respondents had no contact at all, almost all men

  • 1.3% of respondents had contact in holidays only, almost all men

  • 14.1% of respondents had infrequent or irregular contact, almost all men

  • 99.0% wanted more contact, almost all men

  • 39.5% had taken no legal action over children, with reasons given such as ‘couldn’t afford it’, ‘solicitor advised against it’, ‘no chance of winning’, etc.

  • only 30.9% of fathers contested residence of their children, and of these :

  • only 16.8% obtained residence i.e. 5.2% of those surveyed


Chapter 6 : Primary Consequences - Loss of Home and Finance

 Home and family assets often are allocated to the parent with residence of the children, usually the mother.

Categories of case studies in the survey

Case studies giving the circumstances and effects are in references [c2] (loss of home and life savings) and [c3] (loss by way of maintenance, problems with CSA).

Wives appear to consider that spending family assets to rid themselves of a husband is quite acceptable, no matter what the damage to all the parties concerned e.g. [p5.1] :

"Wife has spent £250,000 attacking me, cost totally destroyed families finances. Ex-wife exceptionally bitter and left struggling on income support tant pis."

And that they are absolutely entitled to unearned monies [p5.3] :

"The problems are financial – how much money should she have. We are currently agreeing on shared residency for the children.

I feel that my wife has been badly advised by her lawyer. I know that she expected to receive £85,000–£90,000 lump sum after four years of marriage, to which she had not contributed financially."

Partial loss of family assets occurs in most cases, and complete loss of both home and capital, when the husband is divorced against his wishes, is well known e.g. [c2.6] :

"I never wanted to divorce … I was evicted from my home even though it was a requirement for my job: all of the marital capital went to my ex-wife. I was left with a bank overdraft and no home. But still expected to pay maintenance: my children were taken to live 100 miles away and I have not been able to know them: I have no continuing legal interest in the marital capital which is now shared with another man (co-habitee). I am still required, by law, to maintain a 17-year-old, a 20-year-old and a 23-year-old. All three appear to have struggled academically and none wishes to see me."

Maintenance to an ex-wife can be a severe problem to a man trying to rebuild his life as in [c3.1] :

"I made a foolish mistake financially which the Courts will not allow me to forget. The original maintenance order was for 12 months – then she should have found work. I agreed to a further four years so she could take a law (!!) degree. Seven years later (!) the Courts refused to put a cap on the number of years because, after all, "she is getting older and it’s hard to get work in Solicitors these days". Through an act of misguided generosity I now face paying to her until one of us dies."

Ex-wives often show little or no restraint, even when they could ruin their ex-husband, as in [c3.2] :

"My second wife has forced me to nearly financial ruin. By the time the CSA have finished, God knows what will happen."

Husbands are frequently left in desperation e.g. [c3.3] :

"I have paid the mortgage religiously and now the CSA are demanding £2,500 arrears + £272 per month. This is a nightmare."

Statistics from the survey

  • wives received 78.9% of assets of the family

  • in cases where it is known that house was sold/not sold :

    • only 25.2% of men retained their home

    • in 31.9% of cases the men left, often ousted against their wishes

    • in 42.9% of cases the home was sold, and most proceeds confiscated and allocated to the woman

  • 32.9% of men received zero assets

  • 10.9% of women received zero assets

  • average transferred to men was £13,676

  • average transferred to women was £51,284


Chapter 7 : Secondary Consequences

- Damage to Health, Career, and Quality of Life

The effects on health of divorce and separation can be very considerable. The medical profession, especially GPs will know of this, but appear to take little interest in the subject as a significant factor in the nation’s health.

Categories of case studies in the survey

Descriptions of the consequent damage to husbands and fathers is given in case study references [c4] (damage to health/career) and [c5] (subsequent quality of life).

Health problems often precipitate employment problems e.g. [c4.3] :

"In the first few months of my divorce, I lost my then newish job entirely due to an inability to work."

Many men blame particular components of the legal system. However the component which they blame is often simply the ‘final straw’ in an overwhelming and intolerable situation as in [c4.2] :

"My present problem is that I lost my last job owing to the severe pressure from the CSA"

Desperation to the point of suicide is well known [c4.1] :

"My wife left me for another man after my daughter was born. I had had no other relationships. She did not work. I was financially responsible for everything and she left me with nothing but debt and financial responsibility.

I was driven to the point of suicide by this."

Subsequent quality of life may be a dramatic change to that previously e.g. [c5.1] :

"NOW A DEVASTATED MAN. RECLUSE. CANNOT MAKE A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN. LOST MY CHILDREN. UNABLE TO FIGHT AS I CAN’T WIN WITHOUT HURTING THE CHILDREN."

and [c5.2] :

"I have lost everything I worked for, a dream home I loved, two children I dote over, a business I ran for 15 years and its income.

… now lives in a rented bed-sit, is currently seeking income support owing to continued harassment from the Child Support Agency. … has no car, has worked over the last year for a food company, has not any fixed income being self-employed and is not entitled to unemployment benefit."

Many cases show ongoing anger [c5.3] :

"I don’t know where to start. This questionnaire has angered me and I don’t feel like bringing up any more painful memories.

Sorry!"

Or sense of failure [c5.5] :

"I was left with a huge sense of failure and shame at being divorced (we were practising Catholics), and a great sadness that the family unit had broken down."

Statistics from the survey

  • 82.9% of men reported stress, of these :

  • 36.9% commented on this being the result of problems with children

  • 22.0% reported major effects of stress e.g. weight loss, sleeplessness, lack of concentration at work, time off etc.

  • 41.1% reported clinical stress e.g. losing job, consulting psychiatrist or doctor for physical and mental illnesses


Chapter 8 : Secondary Consequences -

Subsequent Attitudes to Women, the Law, and Society

Many husbands and fathers, subjected to divorce proceedings, subsequently find their attitudes to the situation are highly charged. The anecdotal evidence from within the father’s groups includes relatively mild cases to those with extreme attitudes who find normal society difficult to cope with.

Categories of case studies in the survey

Case study references [c6] (subsequent attitudes to women, law, society, etc.) give many examples. A large number of survey respondents made observations about their attitudes.

Doubts about the usefulness of marriage, given matrimonial law, include [c6.12] :

"To save you reading an essay common to many, I will summarise as follows:

(1) Are husbands and wives aware of the bias in Courts?

(2) Are husbands and wives aware that the "roles" of divorce are undefined, resulting in the usual Court conflicts and expense.

(3) Are men aware of the difficulties of access in cases of divorce before they get married.

In brief, I can only say that the raw deal given to men during and after divorce makes marriage difficult to condone."

Whether the state should have any involvement is also doubted in [p6.1.1] :

"Moral: Don’t let lawyers or the State have anything to do with divorce. Marriage/divorce should only be subject to basic contract law."

And the worth of British law is questioned in [p9.6] :

"… the case with which your system allows a lawful, loving father to be secretly, woundingly accused of ills, abduction, etc are symptomatic of a sick, corrupt system of stupid laws, bad Judges, inflammatory lawyers and parasitic welfare "experts", psychologists, etc. I thank God I live outside the UK …"

Concern about attitudes in society includes [p2.5] :

"My ex-wife comes from a broken home. Her mother divorced three times, her stepfather three times. … Split families are a normal part of life with her."

The legal system and social provisions which allow such situations as this can only lead to a contemptuous attitude such as [p5.1] :

"Wife has spent £250,000 attacking me, cost totally destroyed families finances. Ex-wife … on income support."

Statistics from the survey

  • reports about attitudes towards women were made by men :

  • 13.3% reported negative attitudes

  • 44.5% reported very negative attitudes

  • and 5.5% reported extreme attitudes to women

  • reports about the law were made by men :

  • 42.7% reported bias towards women

  • 24.6% were completely dissatisfied

  • and 23.7% thought the whole legal system required changing


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